First, I want to thank each and every one of you for your sweet response to our wonderful news! Parker truly is the light of our lives and we couldn’t be happier! As happy as we are with our bundle of joy, I was surprised at the response that I received from so many women, some I knew and some I did not, who are struggling with infertility and looking into adoption. Although our journey was definitely unique, I know firsthand the intense frustration, hurt, disappointment, stress, sadness, etc. that comes with infertility or not being able to have children for whatever reason. I know for me personally, even though I was thrilled for other Mommy's and news like ours, every announcement like this came with a twinge of sadness and served as a reminder of what I didn’t have and wanted so desperately.
Although Matt and I both knew, through our own personal experiences that God had a very specific plan for us and for our family, it is not easy. But what I learned quickly, as soon as I had the courage to talk about it, was that I was not alone. Millions of women (6.7 million) struggle with infertility and the number continues to grow. Of those millions, I am grateful to the women who I knew who were not afraid to talk about it. (You know who you are!) These women gave me support, direction, empathy, and most importantly hope.
To all women who may be experiencing the struggle of infertility alone or not, I know nothing can erase the sting of infertility, but what I can offer you is a little bit of hope by sharing with you answers to some of your questions on adoption. (I will address the topic of infertility more in a later post.) I am no expert, but this is information I gathered from our own experiences as well as experiences from close family and friends.
1. I know adoption is expensive. How expensive is it? Are there alternatives or options that are less expensive?
I know that this was Matt and I’s greatest concern when we began looking into adoption. We were still poor college students with very little income, but I guarantee there are ways to make it happen! Adoption can be very expensive, especially when going through a private agency. For many private agencies you could be looking at around $15,000 or more. But there are many alternatives! Some agencies will charge based on income, for example 10% of your adjusted gross income from the previous year. Other agencies will allow you to create a payment plan so that you do not have to have the funds all at one time. Matt and I went through a private agency, and due to the unique situation gave us a VERY discounted rate. Don’t be afraid to talk to whatever agency you wish to go through about the cost and your concerns.
Another alternative is to do adoption through the state. You and your spouse would become foster parents through the state in which you live. This process requires an 8-16 week course, usually on the weekends or Saturdays as well as a background check and home study (many of these things are required for a private adoption as well). Once you become a licensed foster parent, you indicate your desire to adopt. The hope is that eventually the right child will be placed in your home that will become available to adopt. The plus side to this is that the costs are minimal. You are given a small monthly stipend while the child is in your home to help with the cost of care, and then once the child is ready for adoption you typically only have to pay for the legal fees. This can be a difficult journey for many parents, because chances are you will attach to many children who will come in and out of your home before the child that is right for you becomes available for adoption. If you are interested in this route, you can contact your local Department of Social Services (DSS).
Finally, many families are taking matters into their own hands through personal marketing. Families create cards that they pass out to others about their desire to adopt. They can create blogs or profile pages on adoption websites. This is an option that I recommend even if you are working with a private agency. Many of our friends and family have adopted through personal connections. Have your family and friends share your story/cards/profile to anyone and everyone. Eventually, you may run into someone who is looking to place a child with your family. If they select you before contacting an agency, you can find an agency or legal office that can do the adoption for minimal charge and legal fees.
Every agency is different and each have their own rules. Most agencies that we spoke with, liked to see a couple married for at least a year, but other than that no restrictions. Matt and I had been married a little less than 4 years when we got Parker. As far as age is concerned, we did not run into a problem. We were 24 and 25 at the time we found Parker.
3. What do you have to do to become adoptive parents? What do they look at, what do they want to know? How long does the process take?
Once again every agency is a little different, but here are some definite basics that every agency will want. WARNING: There will be A LOT of paperwork! First background checks including fingerprints will be done. A home study will then be completed. This is a comprehensive evaluation/summary of not only your home, but of your marital relationship and family. They will visit your home to make sure it is safe and meets all the “codes”. For example, we had to go buy a small fire extinguisher before we could pass our home study. Other things they look for are fire exits, is there room for a baby, food in the pantry, etc. You will then complete extensive social and family histories. You and your spouse will have individual as well as a couple interview. Most of the questions are understandable such as “How do you handle conflicts?” “What are some qualities you love about your spouse?” “How were you disciplined as a child?” etc. Some are much more private including questions about intimacy and finances.
Although the home study sounds fairly intrusive, the agency is not looking for perfect. They are looking for normal. Your finances don’t have to be stellar, you don’t have to have the perfect marriage, or the cleanest house, just be you! J You will also typically need to complete some training on adoption. This differs with each agency.
The time for this process differs, but typically takes anywhere from 3 months to a year. After this process is complete you can then begin creating a profile all about your family and your desire to adopt. I believe the next step is the most difficult, which is waiting for the right child to come along. Remember you can be pro-active by handing out cards, creating a page, and spreading the word of your desire to adopt!
Adoption is not an easy or quick journey. Many of you have shared experiences with me of heartache associated with the losses of potential adoptions or years of waiting for a match. I am in awe of your courage to continue on the journey of adoption and your faith should be an example to all of us. To each of you women and those that have experience in the world of adoption, please feel free to add anything or share your own experiences in the comments below.
To those couples who are just beginning to look down the road of adoption, I hope this has answered some questions and provided direction. Please feel free to ask any more questions that weren’t addressed in this post, either privately or in the comments below. Most importantly, I hope that this quiets some of your fears and gives you courage to move forward with HOPE.
"Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord."
--Psalms 31:24
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